New garden security

I cannot stress how important it is to have some form of security in your garden if you live in my ghetto suburb. We’ve had two things go missing from our front porch since we’ve moved in. Our house is set back from the street, behind a tall hedge, but that doesn’t seem to stop drunken bastards from plundering our porch on their way home during the weekends.

The first item to wander off was Ben’s motorcycle helmet. The one night he left it on the porch after coming home from work, it went missing. The second item was Ben’s motorcycle cover. A cover! What the hell is someone going to do with a motorcycle cover if they don’t have a motorcycle? I can see taking a helmet — you could get some cash for it. But a dirty, greasy, dusty cover? C’mon, guys. Leave us alone.

I’m half-inclined to put something vaguely attractive and expensive out, but fill it with presents from our cats, if you know what I mean. Let them think they got something really cool till they get it home and open it up to find a not so pleasant surprise! After the helmet went missing we put an earthquake-ravaged TV out to see if it would magically go missing, but I guess they’re not as dumb as I thought. If a TV isn’t inside and plugged in, it probably doesn’t work, right?

Anyway, Ben’s Dad and I went on a gardening outing to get some essentials for my raised garden beds — compost, potting mix, and the like. I got a courgette plant (Emma over at Craving Fresh inspired me to add this to my garden this  year), and some garden lights that will probably end up missing by the fall. I’ve been mulling over ways to secure them to the big railway sleepers lining the path…the only thing I can think of is super glue and zip ties. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but a motorcycle cover?!

I’d like to introduce you to my new garden security guard, Russell, from Rotorua:

Kia ora, bro!

Russ, if you ever read this, this gnome is not named after you. Russell from Rotorua is really his name. In case you didn’t know, Rotorua is a city in New Zealand that has many sulphur deposits, making it a very smelly place. They have great hot pools though!

My security gnome is motion activated and says things like, “It’s ok. I met someone dumber once,” and, “I’m watching you!”And he farts. I guess that might be why he’s from Rotorua.

Hopefully he’ll give the bastards a scare next time they want to take something off the porch….if they actually come up to the porch from the side that turns the sensor light on. That’s a whole different story for a future post.

For now, Russell is by the front door and not in the actual garden, but he told me he likes it there because he can actually see over the muffin top grasses. If he decides to go on his own adventures one night, it’s ok. He only charges $10 for his services (one time fee). I’m sure I can replace him, if need be!


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. boyssmell
    Sep 22, 2011 @ 08:53:20

    This is the best thing ever.

    I want one.


  2. Stella
    Sep 26, 2011 @ 11:48:48

    What an awesome gnome! *giggle* Your furkids are adorable! I hope Leon made out ok and everything was found.


    • Gwen
      Sep 29, 2011 @ 21:33:22

      We’ve discovered Russell is good at letting us know when the big kitties are sitting on the doormat and wanting inside (being too lazy to use the cat door in the back of the house). It’s quite scary to suddenly hear a wolf-whistle out of the blue! xD

      Leon’s surgery isn’t till mid-October, sadly. I wanted to make sure we have enough money in case something goes wrong, as it’s already going to cost more than a normal neutering. Will keep everyone updated on his orchids!


  3. Emma @ Craving Fresh (@cravingfresh)
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 21:18:12

    I’m sure Russ will kick some drunken butts. He looks ready to do kung fu. Or possibly meditate.


  4. Gwen
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 21:34:16

    He’s becoming quite popular! I’ve got two friends in the US that want a Russell! He scares me sometimes, so I’m sure he’ll catch someone out eventually!


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